WARNING: This is a long one, so grab a seat and make some popcorn or something along those lines..
I recently read a quote that said,
"Being happy is a very personal thing and it really has nothing to do with anything else."
I let that sink in for a quick second, realizing that for the past 10 years my happiness was very much induced by someone really special in my life. When shit started to hit the fan and our relationship crumbled right before my eyes, I blamed myself and still do. It is scary as shit, still scary as shit to watch someone who you have known as your partner in crime detangle from your life. Someone who was your everything slowly becomes someone you don't know. It's sad because you both hold onto each other and want to make it work, thinking, "We've come this far so why do we give up now?"
With some even messier things happening in between this relationship unraveling, I really felt lost and alone even though I have a great group of friends and coworkers surrounding me. Honestly, when relationships go KABOOM you feel like you're the only person who's life has ever sucked this much. Through all of this, all of my close friends are jumping into great new relationships and I'm trying to be like "I'm fine, I'm fine. This is cool and I'm really happy for you." In truth, I am super fucking happy for them (DUH!) but it still is like a little slap in the face because you had that once-- for the last 10 years.
Yeah you needed to hear that long story because it's why I'm so merpy right now. I'm still trying to navigate whether staying in this relationship will be best for him & me, or if we're just holding onto ghosts that we wish were real. That everyone has to deal with the shitty shit that life throws at us despite how much it looks like they have their shit together, odds are we don't. I definitely DO NOT.
Throughout ALL of this, I lost my confidence so hard. I kept thinking, "No one will ever love me again or think I"m attractive or understand me." These are my exact thoughts on potentially dating at 23 bullet pointed from my brain:
- Without THE perfect body, no one is even going to say "Hi" to me, *cue eyeroll*
- If you do, it'll be something about my butt (always is.) Um, I have a face
- Fuck, I have to start doing my hair and make up and looking like a functioning person
- I live with my mom because I take care of her, is this a deal breaker?
- Glasses? Kiss everyone goodbye since I'm definitely projecting too nerdy
- How do you even meet a person? I can barely talk to a plant.
- Tinder, this is never going to work because it's just not. How many times do I need to swipe before having an intelligent conversation?!
- Can't win. If i approach you and say Hi, I look like I'm trying too hard. But what am I supposed to do, wait for you finally come and fucking say Hi? Because that'll take foooorever.
- Ugh, eyebrows, nails, bikini waxes. UGH
- Now I can't just wear t-shirts and jeans
- Yeah, you'll never get what I do for a living because you probably give two shits
- Fuck this, just give me someone to sleep with
- Damn it, that doesn't help either. Maybe a little, but nope not that much.
- I'm just going to be a cat, kthnxbye
If you haven't had any of these thoughts, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. Amiright!? I'm sure all of us have gone through this weird cycle of feeling shitty, yet also empowered AF, then going back down again.
I'm tired of playing weird games with people and compromising how I feel confident about MYSELF because I keep letting what some of my guy friends say about girls. I hit the gym at least 4x a week and eat healthy (I still have my days but I'm human!) I graduated from college, have a degree and a badass job. I can draw, design tattoos and build shit with my freaking fingers. I know how to use a damn saw and power tools and I can pitch you out of the park with marketing and social media ideas. I'm also not your average size and proudly wear a 10-12 with a big butt and no boobs. I wear glasses and I like to play video games and read, too. I'm proud of ALL of those things and I should be.
YOU should be proud of you, too. Whoever you are, whatever you like to do, whomever you're interested in. Every single fucking thing. Be proud and be confident.
I think being confident starts with that. Just accepting yourself a little more each day. I wore a two-piece bikini to the beach this weekend and felt sexier than ever. When I put on jeans and a tshirt, I feel great. When I'm drawing in my pajamas without a bra on and a hoodie covering my face, I feel empowered.
Finding my confidence again hasn't been easy. There are still times when I struggle with it and I'm sure everyone does, but it's about turning it back around and being like, "I'm a badass." Wear the shirt without sleeves, do the short shorts, put on that red lipstick. You are beautiful and confident and amazing. Xo, S.
10 STEPS TO REBOOT YOUR CONFIDENCE
- Refresh your look | NO, do not go get a makeover to look like an Instagram Barbie. Get that hair cut you've always wanted or change up your hair color. Go for a new brow shape, try a new eye look or even a new lip color to give you a little boost.
- Embrace your BODY |
- Wear what makes you feel AMAZING | I used to hate my legs and never wear anything that showed them off because my thighs touch. Eh, big deal. I have a big butt and huge thighs that I work out 2x a week and are full of muscle, I wear shorts all the time now. I'm still afraid of tight clothing and showing my arms but I'm getting there. I wore a bodycon dress out the other night and felt great in it. If you feel great, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks and everyone will feel your confidence oozing outta ya!
- Smile more | Simple and easy, plus it's contagious. There is so much to smile about.
- Invest & indulge yourself | Get a massage, get your nails done, have a spa day, have a bubble bath, grab some shower gel that smells divine and leave it on for an extra 5 minutes in the shower. Do things to your body that make you feel better!
- Throw the thought of what people care about you OUT THE WINDOW | Who cares if you don't sound like Kelly Clarkson at karaoke while you belt out "Since U Been Gone" or if you're not the best a line dancing while you try to Electric Slide (and accidentally hit the cute cowboy to the right?) It's all in good fun and makes even better conversation starters, stories and things to laugh about. Odds are you'll never really see them again and you do you, boo. It's fucking liberating, I promise.
- Do MORE with Your Friends| Surrounding yourself with the right people makes a huge difference. Do they support you, care about you and make you better? You're golden. You shouldn't surround yourself with people who counteract you. When you find your group of friends, work on those friendships and hang out with those people as often as you can. Go on hikes, grab coffee, go shop, do whatever.
- Do a Lifestyle Audit | This sort of goes with the above, but also extends to habits and things you're doing or saying to yourself that aren't healthy. Be NICE to yourself and say NICER things to yourself too. If you don't want to go out, stay in. If you want to eat a burger instead of a salad, do it. If you don't like your yoga class, don't go and try something else. Start slowly building the lifestyle you WANT to live!
- Start a New Hobby | Whether you're trying to be a top chef or figure out how to become YouTube's next make up guru-- GO FOR IT GiRL. We often are stuck with too many "what if's" and "I dont know if I can's" but that's the beauty of learning and trying. Doooo ittttt. I love Skillshare for quick picker uppers. For $10 you can literally learn how to do anything.
- Face those Fears HEAD ON | In my brain I don't think Im afraid of much. Put me on a plane to jump out of, ok no prob. I'll go diving with sharks (already have.) I'll give a speech in front of hundreds no problem. It's the smaller stuff I sweat like showing my stomach or making small talk. Super funny and weird, I know. I'm working on facing those fears head on and literally just being out there.
Baby steps but hey, I'm still going somewhere. I'm super afraid to show people my body SOOOOOO I wanted to include some before & afters where you can literally see every inch of my body, all my cellulite and even my little boobs (in a bra.) I can see that while I don't have abs, my stomach is sorta flat (getting there). I like my butt and I think that all those squats are starting to pay off and hey I'm diggin my cellulite so :) When I see the side-by-sides, I see how much hard work can change things and I'm excited to see them changing still!
Hope ya'll enjoyed this write up and find your own confidence, however you may be finding it. Love yourself! XO, S.